Attack Squirrels!

I live in Brooklyn. Which is a city. A very big city. Maybe not Karachi-big, but nonetheless. One would not expect to have a "squirrel problem."

But we do, my roommates and I, have a squirrel problem.

Last summer, a vermin of the black squirrel variety chewed a neat little hole in our kitchen screen, and we found him having a grand old time in the kitchen, rooting through the foodstuffs, on two separate occasions. Twice. We then banned leaving the window open, but he was spotted on the fire escape, lustily peering inside occasionally throughout the summer.

Now he's back. Or else it's a fellow squirrel who had been well informed of the tear in our screen right off the fire escape that allowed easy access to nuts that had already been shelled...

Emily witnessed the assault on our pantry and chased the bugger out - and on his way he attempted to carry a BAG OF WALNUTS. What what what? The squirrel was trying to scamper away with booty? This animal is not normal.

Unfortunately for him, the gigantic tear in our screen was alas not big enough for him and the bag of nuts so he was forced to jettison them to make his escape.

So, I hear this story when I come home from work. Ha ha. Funny times.

The next morning, I'm standing in the kitchen, next to the window, washing dishes. Dum-da-dum. Minding my own business when I glance outside.


Beady eyes peering back at me. Legs in "about to run" pose. Waiting for us to slip sat the squirrel. Motherf*cker. This beast is insane! How often does he sit there and watch us? I feel so violated.

Not as violated as these people though:

Squirrel goes on rampage, injures 3

Thu Jun 14, 2007 10:42am ET135

BERLIN (Reuters) - An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch.

The squirrel first ran into a house in the southern town of Passau, leapt from behind on a 70-year-old woman, and sank its teeth into her hand, a local police spokesman said Thursday.

With the squirrel still hanging from her hand, the woman ran onto the street in panic, where she managed to shake it off.

The animal then entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring him on the hand and arm, before he managed to fight it off with a measuring pole.

"After that, the squirrel went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch."

The spokesman said experts thought the attack may have been linked to the mating season or because the squirrel was ill.


Xris said…
That is not normal. even for a squirrel.
AutumnHeart said…
What?? What?? You have an invading squirrel?

This is entirely unfair! We NEVER get wild animals in the house. *I* want a squirrel loose in my house, damnit! *I* want hilarity to ensue.


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