These boots were made for...
people with skinny ankles. Or at least people who don't have sturdy Polish legs and can't seem to point their toes enough to get the foot through the narrow neck.
I'm talking about cowboy boots, and that means I'm talking about Texas.
I arrived yesterday morning in the fine city of Dallas to find that there are indeed parts of Texas with plenty of trees, and that UNC basketball fans are everywhere. After a rejeuvenating and tasty burger at a Dallas sports bar, my beloved grad-school roommate, MKS, took me to Boot City.
Boot City is next to Boot Town, right off of a highway, and oh lordy do they have boots. Cowboy boots come in more shapes and sizes (all boot-like however) than I had thought possible, and those f*ckers are hard to get on. First I tried the ladies boots. Ladies boots have pointy, pointy toes. Pointy toes and narrow tops for ladies who have more graceful feet than I. And the boots come in every color of the rainbow - red boots, brown boots, black boots, brown boots with orange embroidery, brown boots with blue tops and rainbow embroidery, boots that look like snake, boots that look like alligator, and some that had this nubby presence that seemed to be to repicate dinosaur skin. Some were $50. Some were $699. I think those ones were made out of real alligator. Or at least I hope they were made of real something.
Each pair of boots is on a shelf, organized by size, then organized by color. You take the right boot and you try it on. This is not as easy as it sounds. First of all, these are tall, stiff shoes that don't really yield when you attempt to pull them over the previously mentioned Polish ankles (thanks dad...) and sometimes, when attempting to pull them on, one falls over. Not awesome. However, I'm not alone in my inability to wrangle cowboy boots onto my feet, because the store actually had metal sticks with handles and hooks so that you can pull them on. There's also a device for removing them, but I won't go into that.
Don't wear cowboy boots to the airport, that's all I'm sayin.
Anyway, back in Boot City I found myself looking at the mens boots which had wider openings and wider widths, and still found myself wrestling with the metal sticks and the boot-remover until finally.... I found them! Sassy dark brown cowboy boots with crazy tan, red and orange stitching that are so hilariously awesome that I shelled out more money that I'd been thinking it was possible to spend on shoes that started out as an ironic joke.
I love them. And as soon as I get back to Brooklyn, I'm putting them on and finding myself a hipster bar and some indie rock. And once I'm there I promise I will steal neither tiny jars of jam, nor salt and peppers shakers. Sorry Roebling Tea Room.